It’s fairly telling that my most “recent” post here dates from almost two years ago. It’s even more telling that I haven’t FELT like writing for two years. (That should be a red flag for a person like me, right?) And the real irony is that there was plenty to be writing ABOUT in those two years, which have played out like a soap opera on the screen of my life… (To borrow the analogy from Fozzie Bear at the left, when suds get in your open mouth, your shower-song becomes a soap opera. I’ve been humming along as if everything were fine, when really I’ve been chewing shampoo!)
But after two years of twists & turns (or twisted turns) I found myself singing in the shower for real the other morning—which is a GOOD sign for me. Even though this particular rendition of “What a Beautiful Morning” took place in the uncurtained shower of a psych ward.
Clinical Depression isn’t new to me (or to this blog), but thanks to my little
vacation psych-stint, my medical chart has a whole new line-up of initials added. B.P.A.D… P.T.S.D… O.C.D…B.P.D…. Bipolar Affective Disorder. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder. Borderline Personality Disorder. With all those disorders getting applied to me, I think an out-of-order sign is in order for my forehead!
Joking aside, I’m grateful. For each of those sets of initials, there’s now a treatment plan in effect. And with a new sense of perspective and self-awareness, I’m actually dealing with [cringe!] my emotions regarding events of the last couple years. I’m not good at emotions, but I’m tackling them.
In a blog that has previously served as a pretty comprehensive Journal of my Journey, I feel I should fill in that two-year gap with at least a “Cliffs Notes” catch-up before I start writing about THE NOW… No doubt I’ll be treating a lot of this in greater detail at some point, but for now, for those who wonder what the heck has happened…
October 2014. Husband Keoni leaves me by means of his successful suicide attempt, literally in front of my eyes. I close our restaurant and try to contemplate an entirely changed life.
December 2014. I think (now) that the manic side of that Bipolar diagnosis can go pretty far in explaining my impulsive remarriage. (“Impetuous risk-taking behavior,“ anyone?) I will get to enjoy a few months of an imagined new life before I’ll start discovering all the lies on which that new life has been shakily constructed. In short, Dustin is a con man—among other things.
April 2015. Dustin doesn’t want me to work, but doesn’t want to hold down a job himself. When we do have money, he’ll do something like buy himself a guitar (which he’ll never play) instead of paying the power bill. I’m becoming increasingly stressed about finances… And I’m utterly shocked at the sight of two pink stripes on a pregnancy test! I decide to treat this bombshell as joyful news (but note the revealing fact that I had to DECIDE on joy).
September 2015. Unexpected pregnancy may have been a jolt, but that’s nothing compared to the shock of Dustin getting served with divorce papers! The woman I had believed to be his EX-wife turns out to be his OTHER wife. (Well, one of them–turns out he hadn’t divorced his first wife either!) Oh, and it turns out that he had gotten fired from the “graveyard-shift job” for which he has still been leaving me most nights. Don’t know who “she” is, but she is not a job, and there’s not a paycheck. And now that I’ve kicked him out and filed for annulment, there’s not a husband.
My mother specializes in Adoption Law, and I ask her to find my baby a great family. When she introduces me to prospective mom Jennifer, I’m suddenly certain that God had a plan all along.
October 2015. I’m six months pregnant, unexpectedly single, and my van has just broken down. A kind man at my church sees me walking to Sunday services in hundred-degree heat and asks if I would like to borrow his extra car while I get myself sorted out. Jon has been widowed for five years, and he invites me to dinner when he gives me the car keys. I’m not even thinking of this as a DATE (are you kidding?—did I mention “6 months pregnant“?) but I fall for him before the evening is over. (Literally. He picked me up on his motorcycle, and I landed on my rear in the parking lot trying to dismount. Ever graceful, that’s me!)
Baby’s not due till Christmas, but mid-October I’m in the hospital for an emergency C-section. Medically speaking, everything has gone haywire and sideways; I won’t get out of the hospital for several weeks, and tiny Greyson won’t go home with Jennifer for several months.
Jon visits me in the hospital and when he holds my hand I feel school-girl-giddy, even in a hospital gown and draped with tubes & wires and other unappealing accessories that comprise hôpital couture…
December 2015. The annulment has gone through, my health is improving, the growing baby is a feisty fighter, Jon & I are getting serious… In other words, things are looking UP for the first time in a while. The illogical response of my alcoholic brain is to let down my guard—and pick up a drink. A LOT of drink.
After dropping my kids at school, I am arrested for Excessive DUI at eight in the morning. Driving Jon’s car. My kids are frightened and furious; neither one will talk to me for months. (Christian still hasn’t.) Jon is furious but forgiving. I begin adjusting to life-without-license. Life-without-my-kids. Life-with-Probation-Officer.
On New Year’s Eve the ball drops—and so does Jon… to one knee, with a ring. I say “yes please!” My mother points out that I’ve been divorced, widowed, and annulled; I’ve gotten out of a marriage every way possible, so “how about if this one sticks?” Once again: yes please!
February 2016. On the lucky 13th, a wedding. Not an impromptu spontaneous leap this time, but a real wedding. In our church, with our pastor, friends & family invited, “for as long as we both shall live,” Amen.
A week after our wedding we move into the 40-foot Fifth Wheel RV Jon has just bought us—he moving from his brother’s house and I from my now-too-empty three-bedroom apartment. Consolidating households and offloading extra STUFF is extremely satisfying. I’m offered a job working in the office of our RV Park situated right on the Boise River. I become fast friends with a near neighbor.
So…. This year has had its highs and lows… I gained a husband and a best friend and a home on wheels. I enjoyed my first seaside vacation in almost a decade. I lost my share in custody of my teens. I lost my dad. I grew a new person and gave him into the loving hands of an amazing mommy. I’ve enjoyed my job and RV living, but I’ve been virtually unable to get myself writing. I’ve had a more solid “safety net” (emotionally, financially) than I’ve enjoyed for years, but my moods have hit some new lows that don’t align consistently with the circumstances.
The above fill-in history should provide enough context for me to be able to write about my current life without confounding my previous readers, but there’s another bit to add today. The thing is, the last couple years have been over-full of drama & trauma—and until now, I haven’t actually dealt with a lot of that. I’ve been stuffing shit under the rug until I’m standing on top of a rug, on top of a pile of shit, and still maintaining that “I’m okay!” Yeah, that was awful, but I’m okay now. And “being okay” has seemed so important to my own self-image that I’ve even fooled myself into believing it. Throw in some additional un-diagnosed mental health issues, and my emotional life was becoming inexplicably dark. Hence my recent ten-day tour in a mental health facility.
It’s time to peel back the rug and start actually cleaning out the accumulation beneath. So here I am at the keyboard. And I’m happy to report that when I sang in the shower this morning, it wasn’t a soap opera. I’d call it a Praise Song.
An unrelated thought on this post-Election Veterans’ Day…
Heartfelt THANKS to all who have Served our country and sacrificed for others. 🇺🇸
We live in a country where people DO that for others, and THAT is something of which we should be proud. Let’s remember this week that we don’t have to be defined by our politicians–we can be defined by our heroes.
12 thoughts on “Singing in the Shower”
Wow Kana. I have thought about you on and off for the last few years since I’ve always enjoyed reading your blog. I’m sorry for your loss and happy for your fresh start. Welcome back 😊 you’ve been missed.
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I’m so glad to hear that you’re doing better, even with all the upheavals and changes. Several years ago, I followed your blog consistently and I’ve since wondered off and on what had happened to you. I hope that your future brings you joy.
My padded cell buddy ! So glad to hear from .. uh .. about you. I knew you weren’t squaring with me at the time … no probs, kid … i’m still here for you … btw, here’s a song for you from me
Leonard cohen’s hallejuah
Even worse: I wasn’t squaring with mySELF! The most destructive of “fake fronts”… And Dustin sure wasn’t squaring with me about anything, so my own desperate self-deceit was already based on a lot of wishful-believing and not wanting to admit the magnitude of my mistakes (most notably, marrying him!)…
I just sent a FB request, hopefully to the correct Pepper… (I scrapped the shared account and started fresh last year; I’m on FB now as “Kana Smith.”) I have several amends I’ll hope to make with you, but I’ll start with this: I’ve missed you, Roomie. It’s a stupid thing–the longer I’m out of contact with someone, the harder it seems to reach out and reconnect. I don’t know why it’s SUCH an impossible-seeming action to take, but here I am: ashamed of myself for isolating, and very glad to hear from YOU!
you know where to find me! would love to chat again when you’re ready
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Kana, I have missed you! What a life full of experiences for you to draw from. Write, dear lady, write! Glad you came out on the other side. ((hugs))
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Much love to you Kana. So glad you are working on processing all of this. It is a lot. Hugs and prayers, Jordan
Welcome back! Love, a fellow writer.
I was thinking about you around this time, Kana, and wondered what had happened. I’m really saddened to learn of Keoni’s suicide. I recall you discussing mental illness, especially depression, which I understand. I’ve battled depression since childhood. For some reason, though, I’m still here. I can also relate to your drunk driving arrest. I got stopped for drunk driving in Dallas in October of 1985. My parents had to bail me out of jail. Fortunately, my blood level was just below the legal intoxication rate at the time. They were upset because they thought I’d just got carried away. They didn’t realize then that I was already on a self-destructive path. I drove drunk several times afterwards, but never got stopped again. I finally got hold of that mess.
Anyway, I sincerely things get better for you after all that. Please keep us updated.
You drifted into my mind every now and then and I’d wonder how you were doing, and send a few thoughts out into the universe for you to find if you were so inclined. :) … that’s some journey you’re on … big hugs. :D
So glad you’re back! I have missed you blog posts! Happy to hear you’ve recalibrated and are moving forward!