Kana's Chronicles

Life in Kana-text (er… CONtext)

Thank you for your purchase of Mom’s-in-Trouble version 1.0, more commonly referred to as Your First Child.  The hidden fees and additional costs of this Application will quickly become apparent, beginning with the bill you will shortly be receiving from the hospital…

Downloading this App:

Simply connect to a wi-fi hotspot, click “download,” and wait 3-5 seconds for MiT1.0 to appear in your arms.

HAHAHA, you seriously believed that?  You know what? Never mind this section.  It’s better for you not to dwell on the download process.

Accessorizing your Purchase:

Although the booming baby-gear industry would have you believe you can’t properly care for an infant without such urgent essentials as the “baby-wipe warmer,” 90% of the baby items on the market are a waste of space and money.  People also commonly forget that the “adorable Designer infant outfit” will only fit for a matter of weeks.  And it’s going to get poopy and spit-up-stained.  Seriously, save your money.

What you DO need: Diapers & Boobs.

Charging your Device:

MiT1.0 comes with a ready-made docking-station conveniently located at the front of your own person. Studies have shown that the Original Docking Station provides the most effective charge for the device, but you’ll have to make your own choice based on factors such as the proximity of the device to the docking-station during work-hours.

MiT1.0 meets MiT2.0, 2004

Anticipated Upgrades:

Isn’t it cute?!  MiT1.0 is an adorable little device!  Be prepared for its evolution.

The upgrades you anticipate do come with their own bugs.  The Crawling Upgrade comes with the can’t-contain-it-and-it-gets-into-everything bug…  The Teething Upgrade comes with the whining-and-fussing-and-biting-the-docking-station bug…  The Speech Upgrade comes with the But-WHY? bug…

Tech Support:

HAHAHA, that’s a good one!  What, you thought this thing actually came with a hotline?

CONSUMER WARNING:

If you have never considered what it would be like to have your Heart packaged in a vulnerable vessel separate from yourself…  Hoo boy, are you in for it!

20 thoughts on “The Mom-Handbook [you never got]

  1. judithatwood says:

    Completely delightful!

    Like

  2. starvingartist45 says:

    Lol…..okay you fooled me for a hot second…….good post!

    Like

  3. Downloading takes forever and is a total pain.

    Like

    1. Kana Tyler says:

      Luckily (or not) one of those upgrade-bugs seems to wipe memory of the Download–or else no one would have a 2.0! ;)

      Like

  4. rosellezubey says:

    Even though I’ve never been blessed to be a mom, your post was too funny for me, Kana. Keep up the great work! Take care, rosellezubey

    Like

  5. Fraha says:

    I need technical support with the please settle down, be nice, please listen to me, let go of your brother downloads..there full of bugs.. great post!

    Like

  6. Cassandra says:

    I prefer your version of “downloading” …

    Like

  7. Love this! Every word is so true!!

    Like

  8. onecoolsoul says:

    Now I have to admit this is one funny post!

    Like

  9. notewords says:

    So true! Great post.

    Like

  10. LOL! Thanks for the chuckles. I needed them this morning. The “Consumer Warning” is especially touching. I really enjoyed your post. Wonderfully written!

    Like

  11. Hilarious! and so true. :)

    Like

  12. Rose says:

    Oh dear, is it really like “[having] your Heart packaged in a vulnerable vessel separate from yourself”? The vessel’s already so vulnerable as it is!

    Like

    1. Kana Tyler says:

      Yeah… The world suddenly got a lot more scary when that first Little Person made his appearance in it…

      Like

  13. Finally…a handbook version I can relate to! :)

    Like

  14. Ha! Brilliance, I don’t know how you think of these things, but I love to step into your mind and enjoy the fruits of your labour!

    Like

  15. gertieapigo says:

    Superb! What a mommy thing :D

    Like

  16. moonsprig says:

    So funny! I love mommy humor, it gets us through and let’s us know that it is all ok, really.
    Thanks for signing up for my blog. I am so glad you did, ’cause now I know about you too!
    Smiles!

    Like

  17. Kana's son Christian (A.K.A. Hobbit) says:

    Really Mom? ” Mom’s in Trouble version 1.0″?!

    Like

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