Why is it…that when our digital devices are syncing, we don’t throw them life preservers?

Why is it…that everyone has a “bucket list” of things they want to do, but nobody talks about the Fuckit List of the shit they’ve decided not to bother with?

Why is it…that people don’t come with the “Cool” button I press on my hair-dryer when I want it to stop blowing hot air?

Why is it…that my own mouth doesn’t come with a “Backspace” button? I guess that’s why we learn to make amends…

Why is it…that identical side-by-side outhouses at campgrounds always have “Men’s” and “Women’s” signs on them? Is this a nod to important cultural norms, that when you’re shitting in the woods, you’re still doing it in a Ladies’ Room?

And why is it…that when the Ladies’ Room is occupied, a woman will do a public pee-pee dance in front of that door before she’ll think to use the identical (empty) restroom next to it?

Why is it…that my husband hoards receipts for things we’ll never return, like groceries and tattoos?

Why is it…that the day I decided to sign on for Idaho’s 8-year driver’s license, I didn’t consider that I’d be haunted for nearly a decade by the photo of myself with glasses and braces and pregnant fat-face and a wretched DIY haircut?

Why is it…that the English language doesn’t have a word for the specific energy created by a half-dozen teenage boys coming into the house?

Why is it…that the spin-the-bottle app from Apple is titled God Decide? Have we reduced God to a Magic 8-Ball?

Why is it…that the parking meters in front of our A.A. Home-group don’t take sobriety-coins?

Why is it…that Ben Gay feels just like the toothpaste tube in the dark? Whole new meaning to “hot lips”…

Why is it…that the Autocorrect Autocrat in my “Smart” phone insists on the word “its” always having an apostrophe? It also insists that Hell should be he’ll, groin should be ground, stop should be sot, marry should be nasty [wtf?!] and sobriety should be sorbet… I think my spell-check is trying to convey some passive-aggressive opinions about my life.

Why is it…that camo comes in pinks? Has urban warfare made it to Barbie’s Dreamhouse?

Why is it…that camo doesn’t come in the baby-spit-and-spills pattern that every new mommy could actually make use of?