Thank you for your purchase of Mom’s-in-Trouble version 1.0, more commonly referred to as Your First Child.  The hidden fees and additional costs of this Application will quickly become apparent, beginning with the bill you will shortly be receiving from the hospital…

Downloading this App:

Simply connect to a wi-fi hotspot, click “download,” and wait 3-5 seconds for MiT1.0 to appear in your arms.

HAHAHA, you seriously believed that?  You know what? Never mind this section.  It’s better for you not to dwell on the download process.

Accessorizing your Purchase:

Although the booming baby-gear industry would have you believe you can’t properly care for an infant without such urgent essentials as the “baby-wipe warmer,” 90% of the baby items on the market are a waste of space and money.  People also commonly forget that the “adorable Designer infant outfit” will only fit for a matter of weeks.  And it’s going to get poopy and spit-up-stained.  Seriously, save your money.

What you DO need: Diapers & Boobs.

Charging your Device:

MiT1.0 comes with a ready-made docking-station conveniently located at the front of your own person. Studies have shown that the Original Docking Station provides the most effective charge for the device, but you’ll have to make your own choice based on factors such as the proximity of the device to the docking-station during work-hours.

Anticipated Upgrades:

Isn’t it cute?!  MiT1.0 is an adorable little device!  Be prepared for its evolution.

The upgrades you anticipate do come with their own bugs.  The Crawling Upgrade comes with the can’t-contain-it-and-it-gets-into-everything bug…  The Teething Upgrade comes with the whining-and-fussing-and-biting-the-docking-station bug…  The Speech Upgrade comes with the But-WHY? bug…

Tech Support:

HAHAHA, that’s a good one!  What, you thought this thing actually came with a hotline?

CONSUMER WARNING:

If you have never considered what it would be like to have your Heart packaged in a vulnerable vessel separate from yourself…  Hoo boy, are you in for it!