If you have ever joked that you’re “in danger of becoming a Cat Lady,” well… I’m sorry—you probably already ARE one!
But in case you’re still uncertain, I’m happy to offer this handy scoring system:
#1: PHOTOS. You might be a Cat Lady if…
…you’re thinking of writing a “cat lady” post and go looking for photos to accompany it and realize that more than half the pictures on your phone involve your cats. +3 C.L. points.
- Additionally… +2 C.L. points if this is true even though you also have human children.
- +1 C.L. point if you can reach that “half-the-pictures mark” only counting your pictures of SLEEPING cats.
- Oh, and let’s not forget… +1 C.L. point if you are (do you hear yourself??) thinking about writing a “cat lady” post! (As we say in A.A.: “normal” drinkers don’t spend time wondering whether they might be alcoholics. In other words: If you’ve asked the question...)
#2: BUDGET. You might be a Cat Lady if…
…you haven’t paid for TV channels in a decade, but you have multiple birdfeeders (a.k.a. “KITTY CABLE“) in front of your window and purchase birdseed in eighty-pound installments. +3 C.L. points.
- Additionally… +1 C.L. point if the UPS man secretly hates you for your quarter-ton monthly shipments of cat litter and cat food.
- +1 C.L. point if you have ever uncovered more than two dozen cat toys by moving a single piece of furniture.
- +1 C.L. point if you hang and fill a Christmas stocking specifically for a cat.
- BONUS: +2 C.L. points if anyone outside your household has ever wrapped and shipped a Christmas gift to your cat.
#3: BATHROOM & BEDROOM. You might be a Cat Lady if…
…you close the bathroom door not for privacy, but because a cat climbing your legs is more painful when your pants are down, and/or because a cat likes to pop up through the leg-hole of your panties to comment. +4 C.L. points.
- +1 C.L. point if an industrial outdoor storage-tote serves as your litter box.
- +2 C.L. points if your husband has actually constructed a tiled enclosure in your bathroom to contain said box and prevent the litter from getting kicked out all over the bathroom floor.
- +1 C.L. point if you regularly find cats playing “hockey” in the shower with your hairclip / dental floss / chapstick / phone charger / prescription bottle / [fill-in-this-blank-with-literally-ANYTHING]
- +1 C.L. point if the “other woman”—you know, the one sharing your husband’s pillow—is purring when she does so.
- +1 C.L. point if your love-life may have sacrificed a smidge of spontaneity thanks to the prerequisite herding-everyone-out-of-the -bedroom.
- +3 C.L. points if you and your spouse sleep together quite comfortably in a Full-size, but you recently bought a larger bed solely because you had insufficient room for the CATS.
#4: NOTORIETY. You might be a Cat Lady if…
…yours is the town’s most heavily-trafficked Foster Home used by the local shelter for harboring “found” kittens until they’re adoptable. +5 C.L. points.
- +1 C.L. point if you have ever had more than a dozen foster kittens in the house at once.
- +1 C.L. point if you have become the person folks call when they’re thinking about cat-doption, and you have used your fostering to “test drive” kittens and match up half a dozen friends with THEIR current cats.
- +1 C.L. point if your neighbors know your indoor cats from their window-appearances, and/or if someone in your neighborhood has given you a “Cat Lover” mug.
- +1 C.L. point if your mother emails you cat-related comics at least once a week.
- +1 C.L. point if you have ever been handed a bag of cat treats by someone whose name you don’t even know.
#5: YOU MUST ADMIT. You are most certainly a cat lady if…
- +1 C.L. point …if you sometimes know a kitty’s name the minute you meet it, and you know you’ll be keeping it even though you’ve SWORN you wouldn’t have more than [fill-in-this-blank with the number of cats you currently own]. (Exhibit A, Cat #4: Yoda, on the left. More than 50 kittens came through our house this spring—but THIS one was instantly mine! Also, instantly “Yoda.” Exhibit B, Cat #5: Footprint, below. Due to his weird ability to turn off his bones, we also refer to him as “kitty putty”…)
- +1 C.L. point …if you don’t even flinch when you step on a mouse in the dark because you know there are probably at least eight dozen toy mice stashed around the house.
- (BONUS: +1 C.L. point if you still don’t flinch when you realize the next morning it was an ACTUAL mouse’s head, because all you can think is: “What kind of crazy-ass, kamikaze moron of a mouse ventures into THIS house??”)
- +1 C.L. point …if you have ever glanced down at your clothing in public and blurted the horrified exclamation: “I’m wearing my CAT!”
- +1 C.L. point …if you keep a pump-dispenser of Johnson & Johnson no-tears baby shampoo right beside the pump-dispenser of Dawn at your kitchen sink, specifically for the purpose of washing CATS.
- +1 C.L. point …if you habitually tip out your shoes before putting them on, because one of them is invariably hiding a toy mouse deposited by a CAT.
- +1 C.L. point …if you and your spouse habitually refer to one another around the house as “Mommy” and “Daddy” when your only shared children are CATS.
- BONUS: +2 C.L. points if you “do VOICES” for the cats!
- BONUS PLUS: +3 C.L. points if you have your SPOUSE doing voices for the cats!
- (No points for talking TO the cats, by the way. That one’s such a no-brainer it’s a freebie.)
Ready to score your quiz? Out of the 50 possible points…