Kana's Chronicles

Life in Kana-text (er… CONtext)

If you have ever joked that you’re “in danger of becoming a Cat Lady,” well… I’m sorry—you probably already ARE one!

But in case you’re still uncertain, I’m happy to offer this handy scoring system:

Cat Lady? Who, ME??

#1: PHOTOS. You might be a Cat Lady if…

…you’re thinking of writing a “cat lady” post and go looking for photos to accompany it and realize that more than half the pictures on your phone involve your cats. +3 C.L. points.

  • Additionally… +2 C.L. points if this is true even though you also have human children.
  • +1 C.L. point if you can reach that “half-the-pictures mark” only counting your pictures of SLEEPING cats.
  • Oh, and let’s not forget… +1 C.L. point if you are (do you hear yourself??) thinking about writing a “cat lady” post! (As we say in A.A.: “normal” drinkers don’t spend time wondering whether they might be alcoholics. In other words: If you’ve asked the question...)

#2: BUDGET. You might be a Cat Lady if…

…you haven’t paid for TV channels in a decade, but you have multiple birdfeeders (a.k.a. “KITTY CABLE“) in front of your window and purchase birdseed in eighty-pound installments. +3 C.L. points.

  • Additionally… +1 C.L. point if the UPS man secretly hates you for your quarter-ton monthly shipments of cat litter and cat food.
  • +1 C.L. point if you have ever uncovered more than two dozen cat toys by moving a single piece of furniture.
  • +1 C.L. point if you hang and fill a Christmas stocking specifically for a cat.
  • BONUS: +2 C.L. points if anyone outside your household has ever wrapped and shipped a Christmas gift to your cat.
cat birdfeeder

#3: BATHROOM & BEDROOM. You might be a Cat Lady if…

…you close the bathroom door not for privacy, but because a cat climbing your legs is more painful when your pants are down, and/or because a cat likes to pop up through the leg-hole of your panties to comment. +4 C.L. points.

  • +1 C.L. point if an industrial outdoor storage-tote serves as your litter box.
  • +2 C.L. points if your husband has actually constructed a tiled enclosure in your bathroom to contain said box and prevent the litter from getting kicked out all over the bathroom floor.
cat in a drawer
kittens and books
  • +1 C.L. point if you regularly find cats playing “hockey” in the shower with your hairclip / dental floss / chapstick / phone charger / prescription bottle / [fill-in-this-blank-with-literally-ANYTHING]
  • +1 C.L. point if the “other woman”—you know, the one sharing your husband’s pillow—is purring when she does so.
  • +1 C.L. point if your love-life may have sacrificed a smidge of spontaneity thanks to the prerequisite herding-everyone-out-of-the -bedroom.
  • +3 C.L. points if you and your spouse sleep together quite comfortably in a Full-size, but you recently bought a larger bed solely because you had insufficient room for the CATS.

#4: NOTORIETY. You might be a Cat Lady if…

…yours is the town’s most heavily-trafficked Foster Home used by the local shelter for harboring “found” kittens until they’re adoptable. +5 C.L. points.

  • +1 C.L. point if you have ever had more than a dozen foster kittens in the house at once.
  • +1 C.L. point if you have become the person folks call when they’re thinking about cat-doption, and you have used your fostering to “test drive” kittens and match up half a dozen friends with THEIR current cats.
  • +1 C.L. point if your neighbors know your indoor cats from their window-appearances, and/or if someone in your neighborhood has given you a “Cat Lover” mug.
  • +1 C.L. point if your mother emails you cat-related comics at least once a week.
  • +1 C.L. point if you have ever been handed a bag of cat treats by someone whose name you don’t even know.
handfuls of kittens
This is what you might call a “Cat Lady Starter-Kit”…

#5: YOU MUST ADMIT. You are most certainly a cat lady if…

  • +1 C.L. point …if you sometimes know a kitty’s name the minute you meet it, and you know you’ll be keeping it even though you’ve SWORN you wouldn’t have more than [fill-in-this-blank with the number of cats you currently own]. (Exhibit A, Cat #4: Yoda, on the left. More than 50 kittens came through our house this spring—but THIS one was instantly mine! Also, instantly “Yoda.” Exhibit B, Cat #5: Footprint, below. Due to his weird ability to turn off his bones, we also refer to him as “kitty putty”…)
  • +1 C.L. point …if you don’t even flinch when you step on a mouse in the dark because you know there are probably at least eight dozen toy mice stashed around the house.
shampooing a cat
  • (BONUS: +1 C.L. point if you still don’t flinch when you realize the next morning it was an ACTUAL mouse’s head, because all you can think is: “What kind of crazy-ass, kamikaze moron of a mouse ventures into THIS house??”)
  • +1 C.L. point …if you have ever glanced down at your clothing in public and blurted the horrified exclamation: “I’m wearing my CAT!”
  • +1 C.L. point …if you keep a pump-dispenser of Johnson & Johnson no-tears baby shampoo right beside the pump-dispenser of Dawn at your kitchen sink, specifically for the purpose of washing CATS.
  • +1 C.L. point …if you habitually tip out your shoes before putting them on, because one of them is invariably hiding a toy mouse deposited by a CAT.
  • +1 C.L. point …if you and your spouse habitually refer to one another around the house as “Mommy” and “Daddy” when your only shared children are CATS.
  • BONUS: +2 C.L. points if you “do VOICES” for the cats!
  • BONUS PLUS: +3 C.L. points if you have your SPOUSE doing voices for the cats!
  • (No points for talking TO the cats, by the way. That one’s such a no-brainer it’s a freebie.)

Ready to score your quiz? Out of the 50 possible points…

hissing cat siamese
Who needs emojis? CAT faces say it so much better!

Fine. You may call me Cat Lady.

One thought on “You Might be a Cat Lady if…

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