This is a public service announcement, at the behest of my ex-husband, who feels it’s critical that everyone should know the following facts (especially our children, ages 7 & 10, in front of whom the Ex and his live-in girlfriend screamed this diatribe in my husband’s face last Friday):

“You are a Drunken Fucking Waste!  Both of you.” “You’re probably drunk right now, and you two shouldn’t even be allowed to see our kids. You’re just a drunken waste, what a Drunken Fucking Waste!”

(Ordinarily I would apologize for the language, but since it’s not mine, I’ll pass on performing that politeness.)

It’s important that the record be set straight (especially for the benefit of the children’s hearing), because evidently I may have bamboozled some of you with my smooth talking into thinking that I am a Decent Human Being. (Or, as the Ex said to the custody mediator last summer: “She LOOKS respectable!”–but that’s clearly a facade.)

In Reality, you should understand, a person who has maintained Sobriety for more than thirteen months (and whose two-week 2010 Relapse after a previous 22 Sober months did NOT happen in the presence of the children) is, in fact, a Drunken Fucking Waste.  A person who, along with her husband, registers a 0.00 reading on an Alco-Sensor at every hand-off of the children for thirteen months is, in fact, probably drunk right now.  Because she is, after all, a Drunken Fucking Waste. Probably the Alco-Sensor can’t be trusted, and that should definitely be investigated.

Related side notes include the important fact that the Live-In Girlfriend with anger management issues should properly refer to the children (who describe her as a “mean yeller” who is “sometimes scary”) as HER kids, to the exclusion of their mother. Additionally, the children themselves should be educated on the issue that their Stepfather of several years is NOT a member of their family, and they should not refer to him as such. He is (and they have now been informed, in these exact words) a Drunken Fucking Waste.

To continue setting the record straight: the parent who has displayed a regular pattern of driving drunk (who has, in fact, had to clean his own vomit off the side of his car after puking out the window while the car was in motion) is in no way a threat to the children’s safety because he is Not An Alcoholic.  He has never been caught driving drunk, so he can not pose a safety threat.  In actual fact, the Imminent and Continual Threat to the Children’s Safety is posed by the parent who was arrested for drunk driving several years ago, because (despite the irrelevant fact of her continued and demonstrated Sobriety) she is An Alcoholic. Otherwise known as a Drunken Fucking Waste.

We should also cover some procedural issues, such as the Proper Protocol in a dangerous situation such as when the children climb into their Sober Stepfather’s car on a Friday Evening after testing for their new levels of karate belts, which they are excited to go home and celebrate.  In this case, the accepted Emergency Procedure to ensure the safety and the emotional well-being of the children is as follows:

1. The Non-Alcoholic Father should block the vehicle of the Sober Alcoholic Stepfather (as well as the rest of the parking lot’s traffic) by positioning another vehicle behind it.  The Non-Alcoholic Father should then approach the Sober Stepfather with clenched fists and other aggressive body language, and shout at him that he is probably drunk, and the kids aren’t going anywhere with him.  (Note: trivial matters such as court-ordered custody schedules should be ignored at times like this, because Rules should not apply to a Superior Person who is not a Drunken Fucking Waste.)
2. The Live-In Girlfriend should then haul the children out of the Sober Stepfather’s back seat, and herd them into the other vehicle. (Note: for additional effectiveness in ensuring the children’s emotional well-being, the windows of this vehicle should be rolled down so the children can hear and witness the entire following scene.)  When the children have been safely extracted, she should SLAM the door of the Sober Stepfather’s vehicle, and announce to him that “It’s a piece of shit, just like you!”
3. The Non-Alcoholic Father should announce (maximizing his effectiveness by yelling his lines of dialogue) that “You’re probably drunk right now! The kids aren’t going anywhere with you [see note above] unless you blow in the breathalyzer right now!” (Note: the fact that the Sober Stepfather has NO legal obligation to provide breathalyzer readings, but has religiously done so as a courtesy, should not be taken into account.)
4. When the Sober Stepfather inquires, “If I blow in the breathalyzer, will you let the keikis go?” the Non-Alcoholic Father should refuse to answer the question. It is a much more effective approach to continue yelling, “Blow! Just blow!” (Note: when the children’s grandmother–the mother of the Non-Alcoholic Father, pleads with her son to back down, and points out that the Sober Stepfather is the one being polite, she should be ignored.)
5. When the Sober Stepfather chooses to use the breathalyzer (rather than call the police) to diffuse the situation for the children’s sake, the Live-in Girlfriend should do her part by yelling at him while they wait for the machine to warm up: “You two shouldn’t even be allowed to see our children!  You are such a waste, both of you, you’re such a Drunken Fucking Waste!”

6. 

   When the Alco-Sensor shows its reading of 0.00, as it has for the past thirteen months (that really does need to be looked into), the Non-Alcoholic Father should announce that he is going to explain to the children what this was all about before he lets them go.  When the Sober Stepfather answers, “That’s fine with me; we’ve always been very open with them about our alcoholism and our recovery,” the Non-Alcoholic father should respond, “Well I’M going to tell them the TRUTH!” (Note: while the Non-Alcoholic Father is in the car with the children–and the windows finally rolled up–this is a good time for the Live-In Girlfriend to get in a few more repetitions of “You’re just a Drunken Fucking Waste!”)

7. When the children return to the Sober Stepfather’s car and the Sober Stepfather says “Thank you” to the Non-Alcoholic Father, the Non-Alcoholic Father should respond with a threat: “Yeah keep smiling, I’m going to wipe that smile off your face real soon!”

If the children return home to their mother (who has been working, and is eagerly awaiting a celebration of their newly earned karate belts) and burst in the door to cling to her and cry, then the mission has been accomplished.  And when the kids end up in the counselor’s office the next week–well, it’s clearly because their Mother is an alcoholic.

An Alcoholic can be Sober, but there’s no ‘A.A.’ for Assholes!